Jesus in a jam jar
The other day I discovered Jesus in a jam jar that I was about to finish and throw away afterwards.
He watched me reproachfully and asked to take the spoon out of his countenance. I had to say, this event did amaze me.
The dear God appeared to be in my jam of all jams. In former times this would’ve been a reason to canonize or at least burn me.
But in our alternative and Christian liberalized days He may appear…no one bothers anymore.
And this indeed was his problem, as he told me after a short introduction of participants. He amplified that he was Jesus and why he could draw such first-rate circles through the back of his hand.
No one pays attention to a godly messenger anymore!
Good gracious, I wouldn’t have expected all this. I thought his stirring appearance in my jam quite impressive.
He wouldn’t deny this fact, but, as he assured me, his usual attempts of manifestations were ignored and even intolerated several times.
When he tried, for example, to use television as his medium to communicate, people just switched off or started turning madly at the antenna. The only possibility to cause an effect was a variation of the burning bush.
Only people started to run away, screaming, or extinguish the fire on their electronic devices, rather than sinking humbly onto their knees.
Even Maria got it bad, as she appeared to the people in a crisis zone. They prepared to rob and rape her, instead of lowering the heads devoutly and listen to her Annunciation.
Yes, this is how far it had gone with mankind, he summed up sadly.
I bit, downcast as well, in my bread with jam and chewed lost in thought. Jesus climbed out of the jam jar, smoothed his halo and went without blinding me with his godly physiognomy.
Instead, he only sighed gloomily and scrounged a cigarette, which he inhaled in just one breath.
He sighed once again, dropped onto the chair and told me, he couldn’t stand the pressure anymore that he’s been exposed to.
The stress, the godly task came up with as well…on long-term, he couldn’t cope with it
Oho! I had to admit, this didn’t sound too good. It sounded like a blessed burnout.
So I sat down with him and asked how I could help him. Cause this at last was the reason why he’d appeared in my jam.
Yep, quite so, he admitted.
He needed help, maybe even from me, one of the last decent earth inhabitants there are.
This flattered me. But on the other hand, I’ve been irritated, cause: I’ve smoked, I’ve drunk, I’ve desired someone else’s man, sometimes even woman and further on I’m unbelieving. What was he talking about decent?
Jesus assured me, he wasn’t as fastidious as his old Ego was.
Sins, heinous crimes and suchlike weren’t his territory. He needed help and I’ve come into consideration. Buttered up this way I might have even reddened.
But I’ve never done anything really productive in my life, nor have big or bright ideas crossed my mind.
Why me?
The Lord leaned forward, grasped my bread and broke it with a shake of his head.
He’s been a bit hurt cause of my doubts and stuffed the freshly blessed loaf into his mouth. With his mouth full, he told me about his idea of getting born again.
Born again? I screamed throughout all my senses, BORN AGAIN?
That’s been why he’s been sitting on my chair, feeding himself poor on me and didn’t even look embarrassed.
Cause he wanted to be human.
Through me! Me? To be the second Holy Virgin?
Wait a moment, there, I discovered a new impossibility, next to my absolutely missing approval. I surely couldn’t come up with virginity, all advanced deity aside.
But Jesus just shrugged. This too didn’t matter. If I was a virgin or not didn’t matter, it was just a matter of tradition, he added sarcastically.
He wanted to come back to this very planet, wanted to restart his odyssey to free mankind of all their sins.
Today it’s more necessary than ever, otherwise the world would come to an end, he constantly indicated.
His babble of the world coming to an end didn’t stir me much, as I have to admit. The big finish, I’ve already expected it several times. I’ve even been hopefully looking forward to the great final, how could this message shake me anyway?
Jesus didn’t approve of this attitude. He talked unceasingly to me that I HAD to grant him a ticket to reincarnation, cause at least I’d come to enjoy The Holy Trinity and everlasting live.
I could argument against all this, I’ve never dreamed of being ever existent and I don’t care about threesomes.
Jesus was shattered.
He howled, I’d be unreasonable and selfish and I’d miss some believe and mercy. I couldn’t deny it, but I didn’t even want to.
God unnerved me.
Impatiently, I stood up, started clearing the table and posed as a very busy person. Jesus sighed several times, gave me accusatory looks and disappeared, just like that! Without another word.
Shortly afterwards, I had already suppressed our meeting, cause I often enough have to deal with different derivations. I’ve had some practice suppressing unpleasant visions.
But then, my period failed to appear and I started thinking of Christian selfishness and godly omnipotence.
I decided to consult a doctor, who heartily congratulated.
I was healthy, brisk and pregnant. Jesus has settled back in my tummy…
The medic babbled about medical check-up, a vitamin supplement, he wanted to prescribe me. And my consumption of cigarettes I had to reduce drastically.
I was responsible for two now, not just one. I had to change.
Me and Jesus. The Saviour and me.
I’ve been completely at a loss.
I aborted him yesterday.
The pressure, that I saw myself exposed to, was just too big for me.
© Sybille Lengauer
Translated by Giovanna Letizia
